The Walter Boys* Aren't All Right

*Derogatory

Originally, I was planning on writing about more bad Christmas movies this week, but I cannot stop thinking about My Life with the Walter Boys. I’m unable to make it through a long TikTok doom scroll without running into a Gen Alpha-edited fancam of Cole Walter brooding, with comments drooling over how “hot” he is (he is not hot!!!!!).

So we’re doing it. We’re diving into this mess.

Based on a literal Wattpad work of fiction (genuinely, I thought this was a joke when I saw people talking about it on social media, but it’s REAL) by Ali Novak, My Life with the Walter Boys is Netflix’s newest teen soap centering on Jackie Howard, a fifteen-year-old from New York City who, after losing her parents and sister in a car crash, is sent to live with Katherine, her mother’s best friend, and Katherine’s family (the titular Walters).

It then devolves into a very transparent The Summer I Turned Pretty rip-off – two of the (MANY) boys in the Walter family develop feelings for Jackie and fight over her. Cole Walter is Conrad Fisher and Alex Walter is Jeremiah Fisher. (This is not necessarily a fault of Ali Novak or the source material; it’s more of a desperate move by Netflix to get the attention TSITP is getting on Prime.)

There are too many people in the Walter family and I deeply couldn’t care less to name them all since most of them are so unimportant to the plot. Some of them are sons of the parents, some of them are cousins? Or the Walter parents are doing them a favor and watching them while their dad is at war?

So, instead of recapping the entire ten-episode season, I’m ranking the Walter boys that matter from worst to best. Spoilers ahead, of course, and I actually do recommend watching this show because it’s silly and stupid and fun to laugh at (and season 2 was just announced!!).

• Cole Walter: -100000/10

  From his gross mistreatment of girls like Erin and Olivia to his nasty blonde hair, Cole Walter is straight-up TRASH. He is TOXIC. He courts Jackie – a teenage girl whose family just tragically died, and now she’s in a brand new place with a brand new family – like it’s all a game to him, and he’s shocked that she’d rather be with his younger brother who’s been much kinder to her (he’s not much better but we’ll get to that!!). During the season finale, Cole did apologize for his behavior and began turning over a new leaf, but that doesn’t mean he wasn’t extremely insufferable the other nine episodes of the show. Blowing out your knee that prevents you from playing football is not an excuse for being a womanizer with zero respect for yourself or others. Go to therapy, Cole.

• Alex Walter: -100/10

  On first impression, Alex is the sweet, wholesome sixteen-year-old Walter boy and a much better choice for Jackie than Rebel Without a Cause wannabe Cole. But Alex is, unsurprisingly, just about as bad as Cole. His mistreatment of girls manifests in how he takes his best friend Kiley for granted, assuming she’ll always be there to hear him moan about his problems while not being that person for her. He thinks of Jackie as a prize to be won rather than a real, whole human being who’s been through a traumatic life event. TikTok has said Alex’s teeth and odd way of running are icks, but tbh, his biggest ick is thinking he’s the “nice guy.”

• Will Walter: -99/10

  Will – a canonically twenty-five-year-old character played by a twenty-nine-year-old actor who looks thirty-five minimum– is the oldest Walter boy engaged to the gorgeous and cool Hayley. Hayley is decidedly way too good for Will and is doing herself a disservice by settling for him and ending the season marrying him. Will’s dream (?) is to keep the cafe he works at open at night? I’m still not quite sure what he’s trying to do (mostly because his storyline was so boring I kept zoning out whenever he was on screen), but it ends up taking over every aspect of his life to the point that he barely recognizes Hayley as her own person. Will should not have been engaged and he certainly was not ready to get married when he didn’t even listen to how Hayley was feeling. A loser!!!!!

• Farkle: 4/10

  I don’t remember his name and I’m not looking it up, but he’s the gay brother played by the kid who was Farkle Minkus on Girl Meets World, so he’s Farkle. He was fine. He came on a little strong while pursuing his crush, Skyler, and I didn’t like that he didn’t say something like, “Oh, I’m so sorry if I overstepped a boundary. I like you, and if you want some space, I’ll give it to you” when Skyler admitted he was uncomfortable with the forwardness. Instead, Farkle reacted with weird hostility and blamed it on Skyler for some reason. But, compared to his brothers, Farkle is one of the better ones. And I guess I feel bad he was randomly diagnosed with epilepsy in the middle of the season?

• Theater Kid Walter: 10/10

  Theater Kid Walter loves theater and acting and is just an all-around good kid. Theater Kid Walter is very kind and brotherly to Jackie throughout the season, and I love the moments when the two bond over their love of New York. In fact, Theater Kid Walter and Jackie have the best relationship on the show. Theater Kid Walter even ends up being supportive of his cousin who landed the lead role in the school play even though Theater Kid Walter was dreaming of playing that role. Theater Kid Walter is too good for this toxic family and should move to New York permanently to pursue his dream of becoming a star. Thank God for Theater Kid Walter. 🙏

My Life with the Walter Boys is a fun, mindless binge-watch perfect for the week between Christmas and New Year’s but don’t expect it to be good.